Some more Irish humor

The Irish Millionaire
 
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
 “You’ve done very well so far”, said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter.
“Now for a million euros, and you’ve only got one life-line left and that
is ‘Phone a Friend’.  Everything is riding on this question………..
will you go for it?”
 “Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
 
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
 a) Sparrow
 b) Thrush,
 c) Magpie,
 d) Cuckoo?”
 
“I haven’t got a clue” said Mick, “so I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Willie back home in Dublin.”
 
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
 
“Feckin’ hell, Mick!” cried Willie. “Dat’s simple……It’s a cuckoo.”
 
“Are you sure?”
 
“I’m feckin’ sure.”
 
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.”
 
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
 
“Dat it is, Sir.”
 
There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is
 the correct answer!  Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”
 
The next night, Mick invited Willie to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Willie?  How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
 
“Because he lives in a feckin’ clock!”

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

To: The Edmunds, the Rooneys, the O’Rynnes, and the O’Sanfilippos

From: O’Stoughton

 A little Irish humor:

 Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.” “That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?” “No,” said himself, “but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.”

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. “Quick!” He said. “Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!” “Tell me, is this her first baby?” the intern asked. “No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.”

“O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife’s appearance?” “It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”

How do you recognise a Dubliner on an oil rig?
He’s the one throwing crusts of bread to the helicopters…

And finally:

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

 

Joke of the Week

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’

Maria: ‘Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.’

Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’

Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’

Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’

Maria: ‘Your husband did.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.’

Wife: (really furious now) ‘Did my husband say that as well?’

Maria: ‘No Senora…the gardener did.’

Wife: ‘So … how much do you want?’

A New Joke

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.”

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will not change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,  I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years … you will never go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I’m telling you, you will have to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it!  I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

Five Years Later … The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed …

“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Irish humor

These are for Willie:

 Love The Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn ‘ t find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, ‘ Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey! ‘ 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘ Never mind, I found one. ‘ 
*** 
 Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘ Do you want to go to heaven?  

The man said, ‘ I do, Father. ‘

The priest said, ‘ Then stand over there against the wall. ‘

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘ Do you want to go to heaven? ‘

‘ Certainly, Father, ‘ the man replied. 
‘ Then stand over there against the wall, ‘ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O ‘ Toole and asked, ‘ Do you want to go to heaven? ‘

O ‘ Toole said, ‘ No, I don’t Father. ‘ 

The priest said, ‘ I don’t believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven? ‘

O ‘ Toole said, ‘ Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now. ‘ 

*** 

Paddy was in  New York  .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘ Okay, pedestrians. ‘   Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, ‘ Pedestrians! ‘ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘ Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across? ‘

***
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb founded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

‘ Did you see the paper? ‘ asked Gallagher. ‘ They say I died!! ‘

‘ Yes, I saw it! ‘ replied Finney.   ‘ Where are ye callin ‘ from? ‘

***
An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in  Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘ Sir, have you been drinking? ‘

‘ Just water, ‘ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘ Then why do I smell wine? ‘

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘ Good Lord! He’s done it again! ‘

*** 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘ Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman. ‘ 

‘ Oh yeah? ‘ said Charlie, ‘ And how did this one end? ‘

‘ When it was over, ‘ Mike replied, ‘ She came to me on her hands and knees. ‘

‘ Really, ‘ said Charles, ‘ Now that’s a switch!  What did she say? ‘ 

She said, ‘ Come out from under the bed, you little chicken. ‘

*** 

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘ You were drunk again last night weren ‘ t you? ‘

Patton said, ‘ Why you say such a mean thing? ‘

‘ Well, ‘ Kathleen said, ‘ it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. 

Eating fruits

 Some of you remember “Coffee” from Texas who rode Route 66 in 2000 and again in 2005. He sent this to me. I can’t vouch for its validity, but it’s certainly “food for thought”.

— john

See the last part about drinking hot or cold drinks.

                              NEWS YOU CAN USE……
 
                                EATING FRUIT…
 
                                It’s long but very informative
                                We all think eating fruits means just buying fruits, cutting it and just popping it into our mouths. It’s not as easy as you think. It’s important to know how and when to eat.
 
                                What is the correct way of eating fruits?
 
                                IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUITS AFTER YOUR MEALS! * FRUITS SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.
 
                                If you eat fruit like that, it will play a major role to detoxify your system, supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities.
 
                                FRUIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD. Let’s say you eat two slices of bread and then a slice of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it is prevented from doing so.
 
 
                                In the meantime the whole meal rots and ferments and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil….
 
                                So please eat your fruits on an empty stomach or before your meals! You have heard people complaining – every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats up, when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet etc – actually all this will not arise if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. The fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas and hence you will bloat!
 
                                Graying hair, balding, nervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes all these will NOT happen if you take fruits on an empty stomach.
 
                                There is no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic, because all fruits become alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter.  If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruits, you have the Secret of beauty, longevity, health, energy, happiness and normal weight.
 
                                When you need to drink fruit juice – drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT from the cans. Don’t even drink juice that has been heated up. Don’t eat cooked fruits because you don’t get the nutrients at all. You only get to taste. Cooking destroys all the vitamins.
 
 
                                But eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it. You can go on a 3-day fruit fast to cleanse your body. Just eat fruits and drink fruit juice throughout the 3 days and you will be surprised when your friends tell you how radiant you look!
 
                                KIWI: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E & fiber. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange.
 
                                APPLE: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke.
 
                                STRAWBERRY: Protective Fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protect the body from cancer-causing, blood vessel-clogging free radicals.
 
 
                                ORANGE : Sweetest medicine. Taking 2-4 oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones as well as lessens the risk of colon cancer.
 
 
                                WATERMELON: Coolest thirst quencher.. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune system. They are also a key source of lycopene – the cancer fighting oxidant. Other nutrients found in watermelon are vitamin C & Potassium.
 
 
                                GUAVA & PAPAYA: Top awards for vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fiber, which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene; this is good for your eyes.
 
 
                                Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer! Can u believe this?? For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this ‘sludge’ reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
 
                                A serious note about heart attacks HEART ATTACK PROCEDURE’: (THIS IS NOT A JOKE!) Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting.. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line.. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack . Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms.. Sixty percent of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let’s be careful and be aware. The more we know the better chance we could survive…
 
                                A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we’ll save at least one life.
 
                                Read this….It could save your life!!